woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
