he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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