at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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