it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
