turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
