Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize