I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My orgasm happened in two different decades
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
