This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
