It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
