he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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