i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
