Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
