Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
