i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
