Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
