I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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