Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
