I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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