I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's official drugs can't kill me
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
