my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
