I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
