im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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