non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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