i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize