Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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