I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
