oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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