Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
