I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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