I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
