remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
