my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
