went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Help. Why am I so naked?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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