I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
