Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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