Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
