R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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