was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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