I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
