I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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