I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
