Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There's always time for handjobs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
