i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
