3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
