No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
