Only a mothe r could love this liver
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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