I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
