Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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