FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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