it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
