I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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