I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I smell like Dick and happiness
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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