Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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