need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
