so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
