Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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