Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
