put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
