We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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