i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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