I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
