Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
