Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
