I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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